


I'm Not Calling You a Liar

by speakgenerally



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-19
Updated: 2015-02-19
Packaged: 2018-03-13 17:14:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3389762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/speakgenerally/pseuds/speakgenerally
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I never lied, Dean thinks, and somehow it doesn’t comfort him like it did before.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Not Calling You a Liar

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote most of this story a long time ago and just found it again. So, here it is.

Dean would never call himself a liar. Ever. He wouldn’t do shit like that. If you straight up asked him what he _felt_ he’d fucking tell you because he _felt_ it. Intense and all too real, you can’t lie about shit like that. You can, however, deny it. You can slither around the truth, so you don’t pass through it, but over it, around it. Moses parted the red sea, he defied it yes, but in defying it he proved he was not able to over come it without trickery. He did not dominate it. The sea was there before and after. He didn’t move through it or walk on its surface. Dean is more of a Moses. He is not powerful enough to change the truth. He is a man, not a God. 

So when he, not Sammy, started having dreams that felt like visions, that felt like scenes a Prophet should start jotting down -just to save time, he felt it. He embodied it. He was _it_ , to a certain extent and that’s why he felt so ashamed because out of every thing Dean has done, and thought was wrong and blasphemous and unforgivable, there was something worse. He was worse than they all thought, and he was getting away with it, and he wouldn’t stop it. He’d hide it. 

He would hide that he would have dreams of Michael, yes Michael, and Lucifer -which ultimately is a better choice for some raunchy issues Dean seems to have,- taking him. Not even just with Dean just taking it, just going through the motions of being fucked, maybe not raped, but not feeling anything -no pleasure, nor disgust. Dean wishes he felt nothing in these dreams, but he’s begging and arching back into Michael like it‘s perfectly okay to be doing so. 

Michael and Lucifer are not another way to say Adam and Sam. These are two different vessels. Blank vessels, nothing that stands out on either man. They are men Dean is sure of only this. Dark hair and dark eyes, light hair and bright eyes. Their faces Dean cannot remember, maybe doesn’t want to, he’s not entirely sure. He knows who they are even if he doesn’t actually know how they look. It doesn’t matter. The feeling is there. Dean is there.

Dean knew he was fucked up, but he wouldn’t tell anyone how fucked up he was. Unless, of course, they asked, but until then Dean will act the part. Act as hunter. As Brother. As Best Friend, As Bad-ass, As a fucking lover. If they ask? Well, Dean isn’t so sure who he’ll be more like. Maybe himself, but that will no longer showcase his honesty, no it’ll be worse. He’ll go down like something worse than even Lucifer, or his offspring. 

Dean is a new category of fucked up blasphemy. 

He eats his breakfast, and rags on his kid brother. He still treats his Impala like a goddess, and loves sex, and booze, and diner food. He still lets Gabriel fuck him and he pretends it feels good if not better than the dreams he’s been having. Dean doesn’t know if the dreamsex is better or if he’s just tired and tired of trying. No one has noticed a thing off. 

No one but Castiel, that is. And that fucking nosy Angel always has to know him -their profound bond, _I know you Dean Winchester_ and therefore knows when something is off. 

Castiel hasn’t said anything to either Sam or Gabriel, because neither has come to him demanding to know what’s going on. Castiel never demands, he only watches with silent patience until Dean caves and tells him. But Dean will be better this time, stronger. His life is perfect right now. Not too perfect where anything will set it off, will break it. And not just perfect enough -which always means it isn’t enough- where you’re always hoping for something better. But perfect and Dean did not want to destroy his second chance at a perfect life. 

“Dean, you look tired,” Castiel says when Dean steps into the kitchen marches straight to the coffee pot and pours himself a cup of black steaming hot coffee that he immediately begins to drink. It’s burning his insides and it tastes like shit -bitter, burnt blood but thinner. He’s so tired he needs to drink it or he’ll fall over where he stands. Then the questions will start, Castiel will point Sam and Gabriel in the right direction, he just won’t demand them to be told. Dean has to say he likes Castiel’s style even if he fucking hates it. 

“Rowdy night last night,” Dean smirks at Gabriel, who smirks right back. Dean thinks Gabriel’s smirk isn’t as sharp, as cutting as his. Dean wonders when his smirks became better than the Trickster’s.

“Really? As to what I’ve heard from both you and Gabriel is that you could “take it”” Gabriel snorts, thinks this is a joke, and Dean would laugh if he wasn’t so close to his breaking point and could stop pretending. But this isn’t funny and this will make Gabriel think, make him wonder, make him look at Dean and see that he is hiding something and then ask him. 

And Dean will have to tell him the truth, but what if Dean can’t?

“I take it just fine Cas,” _Yeah Dean, be a good boy, take it, take that cock. Oh Dean, there isn’t anyone more perfect for this than you._ It’s Lucifer’s voice that says it. Lucifer is a talker, and Michael is strong and silent. 

“Hmm,” Is all Castiel says, all he needs to say really, and Gabriel pauses for a moment and takes a sip of coffee. Fuck, Dean thinks, Gabriel is on the scent. 

Sam takes a little longer, and it’s only when Dean’s eyes are shadowed with exhaustion that he says anything. Sam feels horrible, but everyone has joined Dean in keeping this secret and Sam can’t really be blamed. 

“I thought everything was okay, Dean. Why isn’t it?” Sam asks as he walks into Dean and Gabriel’s room. Dean sighs. How is he going to play this one?

“It is,” Dean insists, and really he’s not actually lying. His life is better than it’s ever been, that just doesn’t mean it’s the best. 

“C’mon Dean,” Sam spits eyes narrowing and nostrils flaring, “You don’t sleep, you barely fucking eat, and don’t think I don’t know that you and Gabriel, haven’t really been you and Gabriel for a month or longer,” Dean’s stomach bottoms out and he panics. 

“I’m sorry if I need a little time to get over everything. If I need a little time to make sure everything is alright,” Dean yells and Sam lips twitch up into a humourless smile. 

“It doesn’t look as if you’re getting over anything, and it doesn’t look as if everything is alright. But I’m not going to be the one the pushes you. Gabriel will break and snap eventually Dean, be ready for it, because I don’t think it’s going to be pretty and you’re not going to like it. But you should be expecting that right? Lying to someone you love, to someone you’re bonded to when that someone is an Archangel with a whole lot of wrath and anger and Old Testament in him. You know what you’re in for,” Sam says and leaves the bedroom and Dean lets out a breath he never knew he was holding. 

I never lied, Dean thinks, and somehow it doesn’t comfort him like it did before. 

Dean goes out for a walk. He needs to clear his head. His secrets are unravelling, everything is coming to the surface and Dean’s drowning. He’s drowning and there is no way to save himself. He is unlike everyone. He cannot part seas, he cannot walk on them and he can’t swim. Dean can only sink, and suffocate as the water fills his lungs. Dean’s tears burn hot as they roll down his cheeks. Dean gets to a park and sits heavily on a bench.

How can he possibly tell Gabriel what’s wrong with him? He can feel Gabriel in a way he hasn’t been able to before. Everything is clear and he feels Gabriel’s anger radiating as his skin flushes with the heat of it all. Dean is boiling alive. There is no way to save himself. There is nowhere to hide. Dean has always been able to hide and now he can’t. 

Gabriel will leave. Castiel will leave. Sam will leave. If they knew they would all leave. Dean has been alone before but it was different. It was different because he didn’t know any better. He didn’t know what it felt like to be truly loved. Dean didn’t know what it felt like to lose and to get back and to cherish. Dean didn’t know true friendship outside of his family. Dean didn’t have Gabriel. Dean didn’t get Sam back just to lose him all over again for nothing. Dean didn’t have Castiel before. Dean is losing more than he ever had. He can feel it all slipping away like water through fingers. 

The sky darkens and Dean’s hair on the back of his neck stands on end. There’s a faint buzzing in his ears and he shakes. He cannot stop shaking. When Gabriel comes up from behind Dean doesn’t jump, he flinches at the intense gold of Gabriel’s eyes. Old Testament, indeed. 

“I have given you time to come on your own,” Gabriel starts and Dean looks to the ground. “I have given you space just in case this was something you needed to go through on your own without me,” Dean’s shaking is only growing worse, bottom lip trembling and he cannot look at Gabriel. “I have made mistakes. I’m stopping that now. Look at me,” Dean looks up and immediately regrets it. The anger, the confusion but more than that the hurt in Gabriel’s eyes tears at Dean’s insides. And Dean hates himself. Hates himself more than he’s ever had and it has nothing to do with Michael or Lucifer, or Alistair or John Winchester. He only blames himself. Dean has always been his own worst enemy. He has always been the one to fuck things up for himself. 

“I-” Dean tries to speak but he chokes on the words -he chokes on the truth of it all. 

“Please tell me,” Gabriel is still all powerful Archangel but his concern bleeds through and Dean hates himself even more than before because he can’t. 

“I-I can’t,” Dean says roughly and he swallows down the urge to vomit, because he is so fucking wrong and he wants Gabriel to just leave, to just stop, because then Gabriel will never know how horrible he is. 

“Dean.” The name is said in warning and in an anguish that makes Dean‘s heart beat painfully in his chest. “Don’t make me find out against your will. Don’t make me do that to you. If you want out- tell me. If something’s happened tell me. But you have to say it,” Dean has never heard Gabriel plead. He has never witnessed Gabriel having any weakness. Even when Dean is in danger Gabriel is only vengeance, is only wrath, is only power. 

“You’ll all leave,” Dean whisper is low and rough, but Gabriel hears without a problem. Gabriel steps forward and Dean shakes his head, and puts a hand out to stop Gabriel. 

“No one is going to leave you,” Dean can hear the slight hysteria in Gabriel’s voice but still can’t meet Gabriel’s eyes, not yet. Dean is not nearly that strong. 

“You don’t know that. You don’t know what’s wrong with me. You don’t fucking know how horrible I am,” Dean stands and moves a few steps away, creating more distance between them. 

“Dean, don’t you trust me?” Gabriel asks and Dean faces scrunches up in anguish before his eyes start to well with tears and he starts to hyperventilate. 

“Don’t do this,” It’s Dean’s turn to plead. If Dean can make Gabriel stop asking him this than he won’t have to know. If Gabriel would just stop caring so goddamn much than they could be together. The truth only hurts. The truth always cuts too deep, is always a weight on your chest no matter what others believe. The truth doesn’t set you free, the truth traps you alone with nothing but your conscious, with nothing but your faults. 

“Don’t make me,” Gabriel’s voice is gentle, but strong. There is a resignation and yet a purpose within the words. Dean knows he can only fight for so much longer, and Gabriel knows that sometimes you hurt the ones you love, even when you’re trying to take the pain away. 

Gabriel steps towards Dean and Dean flinches, but doesn’t move away. Dean looks up, braves his punishment, his exile, his loneliness. His own personal prison and Dean knows that Michael and Lucifer will be with him again. That strikes a fear so deep within him that he gasps as he looks into Gabriel’s eyes. That is hell, that is what hell would truly be for him, fuck Alastair, it’s those two. The two that would ridicule him for being his downfall. The two that are trying to rip his world apart, to rip Dean apart, and doing it so fucking easily that it makes Dean sick. These two wormed their way in, and made Dean see himself as what they wanted him to be, and by doing that took away all the good Gabriel had done. 

Dean once was a clean slate, the sins of his father washed away as he sunk lower, as the water rose higher and his lungs deflated under the pressure. Dean’s life has always been a struggle to keep his head above water, and now, as his eyes are under water -just nose and mouth able to suck in breaths and exhale shakily as his body strains to keep him breathing in a last ditch effort to keep him alive. Dean’s survival instinct always kicking in even when he should let go. Even when he should just let himself sink. 

He feels the weight of being filled with dirty thoughts, thoughts he never wanted, never asked for, never believed. They twisted and ripped and clawed until he was no longer pure, he was scarred -mind and body and soul, and no one saw. No one noticed, and he hid, and he slithered and deceived and lied. He fucking lied. He became everything he hated. He was moulded into a monster by the ones that created them. Each in their different ways, with their own armies, each with their own outcome, each with their own plan, and somehow even they could wrap themselves around Dean and share because Dean was a new breed of something terrifying. How did humanity have a chance if Michael and Lucifer were together again? Raphael was no match for either of them and at this point it didn’t seem as if he cared enough to fight. 

And Gabriel, Dean cringes. Gabriel although the impostor, and the one never favoured he had a trust in Dean and a love for Dean that filled him with a hope and a sense of right where he would finally pick a side. Dean was the reason Gabriel finally stood up for himself, and how much would it hurt Gabriel to know that Dean belonged to the two that Gabriel stood up to. For Gabriel to learn that it was all for nothing, for Gabriel to learn that he was wrong, that he made the wrong choice. How ironic for the trickster to be tricked into thinking that there was ever anything good enough to fight for rather than against. Gabriel had been teaching lessons for centuries upon centuries and now he himself will learn that he could never run away from his problems because they always win, and Gabriel will lose. Dean didn’t want to hurt Gabriel but he couldn’t see how to stop this, how to fix this, how to save Gabriel from a fate worse than death. 

As their eyes meet it’s as if time stops and for all Dean knows maybe it does. Maybe Gabriel’s shock and disgust freezes time. Gabriel’s eyes burn brighter and Dean can’t look away. Gabriel steps forward and Dean’s heart is in his throat waiting for a reaction. Dean can see a slow grin form on Gabriel’s lips and Dean is so fucking confused he can’t even breathe. The smile turns maniacal and Gabriel’s eyes hold an anger that Dean would flinch away from if he could do anything at all. 

“They took you in your dreams?” Gabriel asks and Dean lets out a wounded noise because there is no running from this anymore. Dean can feel the tears fall again or maybe they never stopped but his face feels hot and the skin stretches too tightly. Dean nods and wishes he could close his eyes. 

“S…sorry,” Dean’s voice is nothing like it’s ever been it’s small and broken and so fucking guilty that Gabriel glares harder and Dean tries to pull in on himself. 

“You’re sorry?” Dean knows it’s only some sick hopefulness on his part when he thinks Gabriel sounds confused, but he knows what Gabriel should sound like. Gabriel should sound angry, and indignant and disgusted. Dean flinches away now, can move away, and turn away, and Dean feels as if his insides are being ripped out and soon he’ll be empty so fucking empty and Gabriel will leave. But if there was ever a time to manup, to try to soften the blow for Gabriel now is the time, it doesn’t matter what happens to Dean as long as Gabriel will be okay in the end. 

“I can’t remember how it started, not really. But I can tell you that I didn’t want it at first. I swear,” Dean knows his words are meaningless now, but he has to try. Gabriel doesn’t speak and Dean takes that to mean he should continue. “I wasn’t myself. I didn’t fight or yell or anything when they came around me because I knew it was hopeless. How could I fight off not one but two of them? So, I played dead, and hoped that whenever they finished whatever they were doing I wasn’t dead and I hadn’t said yes,” Dean takes a deep breath. “They came night after night and didn’t hurt me, didn’t do anything. And then Lucifer would speak and Michael would just stand and watch. I thought they were just nightmares at first, and we had important shit to deal with and I didn’t fucking think. Michael never tried to get me as his vessel, always just silent and watching until he stood up and Lucifer just kept talking, just about anything. Michael got up and came to me and I thought this was finally it, he was finally fed up and he was going to do something to hurt me and manipulate me into saying yes. And you know what? I was relieved. I was fucking relieved that this would be over and I could stop hiding everything from everyone and it would end. I hate myself for even thinking that, but I did.” 

Dean sits again all the exhaustion finally catching up to him. He sighs deeply, scrubbing a hand down his face and Gabriel doesn’t speak. Dean doesn’t look up even though he’s not entirely sure if Gabriel is still there and still listening to him. It’s therapeutic in a really shitty way and Dean knows he needs to speak even if it’s only to himself. 

“But he didn’t. Just put his hand on my cheek and looked at me. Then he smiled and for a moment I forgot everything. Who we were, what we were trying to do or not do, and just felt okay. Not perfect, not good or bad, but just okay. Because with you it’s perfect, and maybe I lied to myself by thinking I could keep it that way but perfect is always too perfect, and okay is still a struggle. And then he’d always touch me,” Dean shakes his head and wrings his hands nervously. “Then he wouldn’t just touch me, and Lucifer wouldn’t just talk and I wouldn’t just play dead. I’d beg and want and not care because it felt good and feeling good was better than feeling like shit, better than waiting for everything to fuck up. Now I guess I don’t have to wait,” The words are bitter and Dean finally looks up. 

There’s a crack of lighting in the air, and the sky is grey and it looks as if a storm is coming. Gabriel looks like he’s too big for his skin, like his true form might burst free and Dean thinks it’s a fitting way to die. Dean hears Gabriel snarl, and watches as his hands clench into fists. 

“Tell me something Dean,” Gabriel finally speaks and Dean listens with baited breath. “Do you want me to give you to them?” Gabriel’s voice is blank; no hint of anger or anything but Dean can see Gabriel reeling everything in. 

There’s a disgust that runs through Dean at the thought of being touched by them in the light of day. There is fear and a sense of shame and degradation that flows through his veins. Dean shivers and cannot stop again. Dean doesn’t want that, can’t even understand how he likes it in his dreams, how he wants them in there. 

“I’d rather you kill me,” Dean’s voice shakes and Gabriel growls. 

“I’d rather I kill them,” Dean’s eyes are wide in shock because he doesn’t get Gabriel’s angle. 

“Why?” Dean doesn’t realize that he’s asked the question until Gabriel deflates slightly. 

“You’re mine,” Gabriel states and Dean feels weak, “I don’t think it’s right for my brothers to worm their way into your mind and deceive you. They have both done it too many times. It ends now.” Gabriel is all Archangel and Dean can see how powerful Gabriel is. Dean just wonders how Gabriel going to take on not only Michael, but Lucifer as well. 

“You can’t take both of them on. They’ll kill you,” Gabriel tilts his head to the side at Dean’s words. Gabriel is staring intently at Dean with a fiery that Dean is worried Gabriel will accidentally set him on fire. 

“Dean,” Gabriel’s voice is soft but the anger makes Dean feel off balanced. “Maybe before I wasn’t strong enough. Maybe before I thought we’d have to end this a different way, but now I’m all out of options. They’ll never stand a chance. You would also do well not to underestimate me,” Gabriel takes three long strides until he’s standing in front of Dean and Dean can’t keep up with what’s going on as Gabriel lefts two fingers and they’re back in Dean’s motel room. “You are staying here. I will be back for you when everything is done,” Gabriel is different than Dean has ever seen him. There is no laughing, no smirking or smugness. There is nothing light-hearted about him now. There is anger, there is authority, there is control, and there is power crackling along Dean’s skin. Dean isn’t scared, or worried. He knows he should be now that the cat’s out of the bag and when Gabriel comes back that doesn’t mean everything will be back to normal for them. He should be worried about Gabriel actually coming back. 

Gabriel told Dean not to underestimate him. Gabriel told Dean he would kill Michael and Lucifer. Dean believes him. Dean believes him because he has nothing else to hold on to. Dean has been hiding and lying and making decisions for himself that have only harmed him and everyone around him. Dean doesn’t want to hurt Gabriel again. So he’ll listen, he’ll learn to listen, and he’ll do everything right since he’s only ever done everything wrong, has only ever been wrong. 

“You’ll make me right when you come back?” Dean didn’t mean to ask it aloud. He just meant to think it and hope that was the case. Dean cringes when Gabriel comes to stand in front of him and doesn’t speak for a moment. Dean’s about to apologize for making this about him, for not keeping silent, for distracting Gabriel but Gabriel grabs the back of Dean’s neck and squeezes hard. 

Dean gasps softly and closes his eyes as stray tears fall silently. Dean feels the hope bubbling and boiling up and up and up in his throat and worries he might throw up. He never thought that Gabriel would stay. That Gabriel would still want Dean and want to help him. 

“I’m here to be whatever you need,” Gabriel says as he tightens his hold, fingernails cutting crescents into Dean’s skin. Dean relishes the pain, and wants his punishment, his penance. Dean will be saved. Gabriel will save him. Dean won’t have to drown anymore. Gabriel runs his hands up into the short hair on the back of Dean’s scalp and pulls until Dean is looking up at him. And then Gabriel kisses him like he has all the time in the world. Like he’s not about to go off half-cocked to try and kill two archangels. Dean needs to pull away for oxygen, but Gabriel doesn’t let him, not yet, just another few seconds and Dean isn’t scared of suffocating. Gabriel isn’t here to hurt Dean. Gabriel’s here to love Dean and Dean almost completely believes that. He believes it enough for now because old habits are hard to break and Gabriel hasn’t made him right yet. Dean knows he’s wrong still, but one day he’ll be better. 

Gabriel pulls away and even as Dean’s gasping for breath he still follows Gabriel’s lips with his own. The anger in Gabriel’s eyes softens for a split second and Dean catches it and sighs. Dean bites his bottom lip and hates what he begged Michael to do to him, even in his dreams. The anger comes back, and becomes hate so quickly Dean doesn’t have time to blink. 

“I’m locking you in here. I’ll be back when everything is done. Don’t worry. Don’t try to leave you’ll only hurt yourself. Sam will be safe. Castiel will know what’s happening,” Gabriel brings his hand back to Dean’s neck and squeezes. “That’s everything you need to know.” 

With that Gabriel leaves and Dean whimpers into the empty room at the loss of Gabriel’s touch. Dean doesn’t worry. Well, that’s a lie, but Dean thinks he might not be in trouble for it because it’s a little white lie. Dean wouldn’t have worried if Gabriel came back soon, and Dean isn’t expecting some insanely short fight or whatever Gabriel has planned. Dean hopes to God that Gabriel has a plan. Dean was being realistic, maybe a couple days or even a week or two at most. 

Dean can’t pinpoint the exact day, maybe around the seventeenth, but that’s when all of his perfectly constructed walls slowly begin to crumble. He checks his cellphone every two to three minutes, every five if he’s lucky, every ten if he’s zoned out imagining Gabriel walking back through that door. Dean hasn’t heard from Gabriel since he’d left. But Dean trusts Gabriel not to lie to him, not to hurt him, even though Dean has lied and hurt Gabriel. Gabriel isn’t the trickster anymore, not really, but if he was this would be the best (or worst depending on where you stand on the matter) comeuppance anyone has have ever seen. 

Dean can’t leave the motel even if he wanted to, and he’s pretty sure he’s not in the motel anymore, some place Gabriel made up to hide Dean out until he came back. Dean is getting stir crazy and restless and there is only so many times he can walk around the small room. There is nothing to do but to watch TV and read a TV guide that ended three weeks ago. Dean just wants Gabriel back, and every time he thinks like that he feels the guilt swell to a crescendo, but it stops. Dean stops it, because he needs to calm down. Dean needs to listen if he’ll ever be right again. 

But it’s hard to stop that crescendo. The panic rises when Dean wonders if Gabriel is ever coming back, if maybe Gabriel is gone. Maybe Dean is truly alone now. Maybe it’s even worse now, that Dean has sent the being he loves to death. As the panic and fear rise so does the bile in Dean’s stomach and he throws everything up. 

Dean isn’t sure when he started crying but once he starts it’s impossible to stop. Dehydration gives Dean a headache and he’s trying to drink glasses of water, keep them down, and stop fucking crying. Dean tries to tell himself that in a few more days or less Gabriel will be back. It’s by day twenty-two that he stops telling himself Gabriel will be back. He doesn’t give up, because it’s not in Dean to throw in the towel even if every part of him is screaming at him to stop being so fucking naïve considering his life. 

Dean sits and watches the door. He doesn’t know if or when the tears stop rolling down his cheeks. He eats, or tries to and his eyes never leave the door. His stomach clenches and unclenches erratically making it hard for Dean to keep any food down, let alone feel hungry. Dean hasn’t been hungry in weeks, hasn’t been tired in weeks. Dean has however been on edge and he thinks his back might spasm and crack in half since it’s been tense for so long. 

The front door opens slowly and Dean doesn’t know how to react. Dean doesn’t. He sits there with eyes wide, and shaking. Always shaking. Dean isn’t sure if he’ll even be able to be still again. Bright light fills the room, not angel bright, but sun bright and Dean doesn’t try to shield his eyes. It’s his mistake because now he can’t see who has come into the room only a black spot that’s moving closer and closer. 

“Dean?” It’s Sam and his voice is rough and strained and Dean can’t help the hopelessness he feels. 

“Hey Sammy,” Dean’s voice isn’t deep or rough from disuse; it’s higher, and almost friendlier. It’s almost as if Dean is trying to placate himself. The black spot starts to become clearer, but Dean still can’t see Sam’s eyes, only his lips in a tight grimace. 

“Cas, told me it’s okay to come and get you now,” Dean doesn’t ask why Sam is in the know when he’s been left here for twenty-five fucking days alone, and scared, and full of guilt with nothing and no one to talk to. Dean is so happy to see Sam that none of that matters now, and since Cas -Dean will assume- is okay. Dean just needs Gabriel to be okay. 

“You alright?” Dean asks as his heart starts hammering in his chest. Sam nods his head. “So’s Cas?” He asks again as his stomach clenches. Sam nods again. Dean licks his lips, and hesitates before looking up at Sam. “What about Gabe?” 

Dean catches it. Dean catches the barely visible flinch and almost breaks down right there. Dean clears his throat as he stands and his legs feel weak, but he doesn’t stumble as he walks towards Sam. Didn’t test Sam, but it’s only an afterthought now. 

“He said he’d come get me,” Dean puts his hand that’s disturbingly pale on Sam’s chest and tries to push. Sam moves in the direction Dean apparently wants him to go. “He told me to stay here until he came back. He said he’d come back for me,” Dean’s getting increasingly agitated and Sam sighs and stops moving. Dean tries harder by using both hands to try to move Sam through the door. 

“Dean, it’s almost been a month. He told Castiel that whatever he was doing would only take a week. A week Dean! Cas said to wait. We did. It’s not right to keep you in here waiting, not when there might not be anything to wait for,” Sam is being intentionally cruel and he knows it but maybe if he pushes Dean might snap and if Dean snaps then maybe they can fix him. 

Dean nods his head but everything in his heart is denying everything that Sam says. Dean follows Sam out of the hotel and sees Cas sitting in the passenger seat of the Impala. Dean doesn’t say a word and goes into the back seat. Oh, Dean might be doing what they want but it’s the only way to be ready for when Gabriel comes back. Because Gabriel’s coming back. He has too.

Dean eats on autopilot. Dean pretends to sleep. Sam and Cas know that he’s not doing well, but they think he’s doing better than he actually is. Gabriel would see if he was here. Maybe Gabriel didn’t see what Michael and Lucifer were doing but Gabriel would be like a hawk now. Gabriel would know that Dean’s lying, that Dean is sinking further than he ever has before. Gabriel would know, but Gabriel’s not here right now. 

Cas and Sam don’t really trust Dean on hunts anymore, not since he thought he saw Gabriel down a dark alleyway only to turn out to be a cornered werewolf that almost killed Dean. 

After that it was pretty much a given that Dean wasn’t allowed on hunts anymore. Dean was okay with that. When Cas and Sam would go on hunts and leave Dean on his own in Bobby’s house Dean would sit out on the front porch and wait. He’d sit there day and night staring off into the distance waiting until he finally could make out something in the distance, until he came close enough for Dean to make out a person, and closer still until Dean could see Gabriel walking up the driveway and back to Dean. 

Dean could wait in peace and Sam couldn’t stop him and Cas couldn’t stare at him with pity anymore. He knew it was getting out of hand. He knew that he should try to mourn and get over Gabriel but Gabriel had been so final. He had said he would come back for Dean and Dean believes him, and can’t stop. 

It’s about four months since Gabriel had left when Dean is lying on the couch in and out of a light sleep when he hears wings. For a moment he thinks its Cas coming back from somewhere but then the front door opens on its own and Dean knows. Dean knows that Cas will do things the human way, and that Gabriel never will. 

Gabriel walks into Bobby’s place and straight to Dean. He looks strong, still looks like that Archangel, but he’s looking at Dean and there’s something wrong with his eyes. They’re flashing gold, but they don’t look strong, there’s no pride only despair. 

“I’ll fix you now,” Gabriel says, but he doesn’t sound as strong, doesn’t sound as sure. 

Now it’s Gabriel’s turn to have guilt eat away at him because even though Michael and Lucifer are both locked in the cage together they’ve still managed to show Gabriel what he really is. A coward, more yellow bellied than the rest, and it doesn’t matter that he was running to fight for something, to fight for Dean he still was running from him. Still running from his problems to find bigger problems and with all that vengeance he thought he had the right to go against them, but he left Dean when he was at his lowest, his worst. 

Gabriel isn’t so sure if his can fix Dean anymore not now when he’s broken him beyond all measures. 

But Gabriel was right when he said he was strong enough to beat them, when he said they’d never stand a chance. The problem is that apparently Dean didn’t either. 

Gabriel wraps his arms around a too thin Dean, holds him close and prays to a Father and hopes for once in his life he’s heard.


End file.
